Abuse in Relationship

I will write base on experience and base on the the explanation of my psychiatrist on the definition of domestic abuse. Every victim have different traumatic effect but the behavior of an abuser is all the same.

I am writing this for all woman and children that they may never be victim of abuse and for all victims out there that still in their abusive relationship. May this blog save a life and teach woman to stand up from the abusers.

Let us start in defining what is domestic abuse?

Pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.

 Why do the abuser do this it is because they want control and power over their victims.

An abuse can be from small act that will leave you humiliated to brutal act that can case your life. You must know the signs of an abuser before its too late.

One this all of us victims of domestic abuse can agree on is that living with a man  who hurt us in so many ways is exhausting and we start isolating ourselves from our family, friends and the world.

Let us now talk about the different types of abuse.

PHYSICAL ABUSE

The image you is from a brutal abuse some are lucky to be still alive when this stage of physical abuse.

This is an act that a person intentionally do to harm, unsure, disable or even kill. This could involve with their bare hands or with a weapon.

The very first stage is then the person starts grabbing you with force with the intent to hurt you.

Base in my experience my ex-bf punch me in the face then after that he punch my foot none stop while he was doing it he said "so you won't be able to walk and go anywhere and tell anyone"

Physical abuse can be in many forms from BURNING, CHOKING, BITING, GRABBING, PUNCHING, PUSHING, THROWING.

SEXUAL  ABUSE

Sexual abuse is not just forcing someone to have sex with them but this is also having sex with someone who is unable to refuse because of intimidation, illness, intoxication on alcohol or drugs and disability.

Attempting, touching the private parts and/or having sex with someone who does not understand the nature of the act or unable to decline participation or is unable to communicate their unwillingness.

When the father of your child start saying I can touch her there is no malice about it. You better pack your bags and be as far as you can be with that monster. ANY MAN WHO ABUSES A CHILD IS A MONSTER.

VERBAL ABUSE

This is the most common abuse that happen inside the house from parents to their kids, spouses, partners to siblings. This also happens in school or in your work place.

Verbal abuse in an act that do not need direct physical contact it is all words. But this words can cut the victim like a sharp knife and can be as painful as getting shut in the head and can be as deadly as an atomic bomb that went off.

The sign of verbal abuse is the following;

1. Being called names negative words like "whore, stupid, useless, moron, slut, ugly etc"

If you feel that it is a put down, then it most likely is. There are names that are obvious and, without question abusive. Then there are the covert, veiled attempts to put a spouse down that are harder to identify. Verbal abusers love to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down. If your spouse is constantly criticizing you, “for your own good,” be careful. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.

2. Using words to shame you purposely in front of people or in private is also a form of abuse. This are like insults, sarcastic and mocking words.

3. Yelling, screaming, swearing and threats to intimidate this is pretty much common in relationship with some people when they are frustrated with each other and it only becomes an abuse when you are already in a thin ice scared to brake it because the ice will break you're going to sink. `This is same when you live with someone who goes ballistic with little things and you are so scared to tell how you feel or how they make you feel or what they've done because you know he/she will go crazy and start yelling, cursing and not listen and accept the problem.

3. Blaming you for everything and refuse to discuss the issue that upset you and they avoid discussion of any topic where they might have to take responsibility for their actions or words is also a form of verbal abuse.

4. Manipulating your actions 

ECONOMICAL ABUSE

This is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources, which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.

It is related, or also known as, financial abuse, which is the illegal or unauthorized use of a person’s property, money, pension book or other valuables (including changing the person's will to name the abuser as heir), often fraudulently obtaining power of attorney, followed by deprivation of money or other property, or by eviction from own home. Financial abuse applies to both elder abuse and domestic violence.

"When your husband refuses to support you and your kids. When he make up a million of excuses not to despite his capability to do so."

EMOTIONAL and PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

This two can't be separate because it affect each other dramatically. 

1. Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

it is not healthy to be with someone who kept on abusing you and please don't believe that person who abuses you that they say they love you. Because when a person truly loves you they will NEVER ever going to threat you, hurt you, disrespect you and abuse you.

There is no excuses for a person to abuse your spouse and children so stop making excuses of their action.

STATISTICS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE IS INCREASING EVERY YEAR BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO KNOWS THERE IS AN ABUSE HAPPENING REFUSE TO ACT AND IGNORE THE SITUATION.

1 OUT OF 4 WOMAN & 2 OUT OF 6 CHILDREN SUFFERS FROM DOMESTIC ABUSE.

DOMESTIC ABUSE ALSO HAPPEN TO MALES 1 OUT OF 3 VICTIMS ARE MALE.

IT WILL TAKE 9 OUT OF 10 INCIDENT OF ABUSE BEFORE ANY WOMAN TO LEAVE THEIR ABUSER

OVER 90% OF ABUSE IS IN THE PRESENCE OR HEARING OF THE CHILD.

EVERYDAY AROUND THE WORLD THERE IS ONE WOMAN OR CHILD DIED BECAUSE OF DOMESTIC ABUSE.

EVERY 17 DAYS A MAN IS KILLED BY THEIR PARTNER OR EX PARTNER.

To stop abuse one must act against the abuser, one must stand up against them and the government must be very strict in making the police capturing the abuser and the judiciary must put them in jail.

In the Philippines criminals who have money walk freely because they can bribe the either the police or the judiciary or kill their victims so no case will be against them because our country doesn't to the PEOPLE OF THE PHILIPPINES VS THE CRIMINAL. 

AS MUCH AS MANY POLITICIAN WILL DENY THIS FACT 95% OF THE SOCIETY WILL AGREE WITH MY STATEMENT.

IT IS TIME FOR CHANGE IN THE WAY THEY JUSTICE SYSTEM IS. EVERYONE SHOULD BE AWAKE AND FIGHT AGAINST CRIMES, AGAINST THIS ABUSERS.

Being at the wrong place at the wrong time

Today I have read in the ones there was AGAIN some rubbery at the Mall of Asia in the Philippines. One of my good friend with his family were there doing shopping for his lil girls when the incident happen. I am going to say in my opinion what is went wrong in this situation.

Let me quote the news article

"A band of robbers armed with guns and hammers shot it out with Philippine police inside one of the world’s largest shopping malls Sunday, sending Manila shoppers scrambling for safety, police and witnesses said.

Waves of police commandos in bullet-proof vests and helmets and armed with assault rifles stormed the SM Mall of Asia (MOA), an AFP photographer saw, after the gang entered a jeweler’s shop inside."

Question that might be running through your head:

How in the world they were able to get inside the mall? Why did their guns were able to get inside the mall?

MY Opinion:

The security in ALL malls in the Philippines is very lax they don't really check anything. They acted as if they are checking something in your bags but the truth is majority of the security don't really check anything.

The training of security in the security guard industry is really poor you can even grab the gun of that security guard.

Oh, Lastly this poor security guards are having way too low salaries imagine this they only get paid from Php 8,500.00 a month to Php 25,000.00 ($200-500). Salary sometimes get delayed and in some cases they don't even have a good life and health insurance.

The law doesn't demand that security agency should have a very strong training like the military does.  And companies will hire security agency that have low price for obvious reasons that want to save up and earn more money.

MY FRIENDS story writing a letter to Mr. Henry SY the owner of SM Mall of Asia

As always, it would have been a perfect night for me and my family at your Mall of Asia kingdom. However, while looking for my daughter's feeding bottles, pajamas, swimsuit and bottle cleaner at the 3rd floor of the Department Store, we heard gunshots (2-3 shots at the most) and what followed next was a horrendous rush to the exits by shoppers like me. I thought the horde thought that I was Piolo Pascual (and they wanted to take pics and my autograph, sic!) yet, they just passed by me and my posse (Ga, Dawn, Fiona, and my two nieces Cheska and nica). Never in my wildest dream would I get see a stampede, with elderly people on wheel chairs and crutches, children of all sizes, women, men, not so men, not so women, your Sm employees scampering for any available comfort zones in that 3rd floor. Talks were that someone got assassinated at the first floor, a robbery was taking place at the 1st floor, and worst, was that BARNEY the purple dinosaur was having tantrums since it was his birthday yesterday. Not pushing my posse to the bulk of the people waiting for the elevators to open, we continued shopping and pretended everything was normal. Until, sporadic gunfire was heard (sounds of a baby M16) rattled across the department store and what happened next, was a Free-for - All stampede. it was every family, man, woman, third sex to himself/herself/self. the father instinct in me had me herd another family and asked a sales lady where their stockroom was and she led us there. that was the only place i knew it was safe for us.there were about 30 families inside, some employees. and suddenly a radio blurted out that a robbery was taking place down stairs and authorities were engaging the criminals in a shoot-out. elevators were shut down, escalators screeched to a halt, aircon was turned off and the lights were starting to blink. it was a lock down of the mall. and my eldest daughter asked me what was happening with almost tears in her eyes. i just told her that BARNEY was being chased by the people for pictures. but i knew my kid knows what was happening.

As we were huddled in the stockroom, a supervisor (or what he/she semed to be) informed us that we had to transfer to another room across the floor. WHAT? transfer and cross? i asked why, and he/she replied that it was company policy that only SM employees are allowed inside the stockroom. WTF? a gunfight and roobery was going on at the groud floor and this cute guy wanted all of us (men, women, kids, elderly) to go out of the stockroom and cross to another room? hhhaaaaayyyy...training....this guy didn't helped much.
I called my boss and assured him that me and my family were ok. our IT manager called up and informed me that he and his wife were also lock downed at the Hypermart. 
After 30 minutes, we were ushered to another hall. i think it was an employees hall and in one long line customers and employees mingled in one cramped hall. we learned that the authorities were chasing the robbers in the streets around MOA. we were being told to go down and yet there were news that the robbers were engaging the cops in a gunfight around MOA? OMG, another EPIC Fail. i just ignored this SM security who wanted us to go down. 
After Thirty to 40 minutes of eternity, we went down and got into the car and just wanted to get the hell out of MOA. police were around the complex, traffic was heavy exiting MOA, shoppers and customers were sitting in the parking lots, sidewalks, all dumb founded and confused. 
Empty-handed since we left the needed feeding bottles, we went to SM Harrison Plaza and just bought what we needed. your people over there don't even know what happened at MOA that moment. talk about coordination. sheessshh...
Now, Mr. Henry "King of the Malls" Sy, hear me out for a few minutes here. I grew up in the same neighborhood where you had your first shoe store then. I was a kid then and I bought my shoes and even met you at that store. I admired your business and the way you made it into an empire. 
However, what i dont understand is why do your people, despite the numerous criminal hits at department stores, keep putting the jewelry section at the ground floor of your malls? why not put it at the third floor or beside the Ace Hardware and put on more guards, more CCTVs to your heart's content? and that's just my suggestion.
ANother thing, can you give some training to your people. it has always been said that the most important asset of a corporation/organization is it's people. the first ones to panic were SM employees. there must be standard procedures on how to deal with this kind of situations. if i was the ISO or any quality assurance firm , i'd give MOA a failing grade. you have to secure first your customers and make them safe and secure. for God's sake, it was family day yesterday. everyone had kids with them. Secure your customers. In the first place, your empire would not be what it is today without your customers.
my kids and nieces right now are traumatized with happened last night. i don't expect your people to go down and over us a trauma de-briefing. i think as a father, i can do that much better.
Mr. Sy, just assure us that the next time (heaven forbid!) an incident like this happens make sure that we, your loyal customers and clients, are safe and secured. that is the way it should and must be. it is not about money or power. SM must stand for the people. the PEOPLE placed your business where it is right now, and for you in that matter. 
luckily, no one from the Palace rushed to MOA after the robbery. maybe He was more fond of the other mall.
and by the way, just like in titanic, the band played after the incident as if nothing happened. that was just the positive thing that your people did that night.

Philippines Justice system on VAWC and Child Support

I come across this article that I just can't stop but write something about it and tell my true opinion and experience bout it.

Rappler online news wrote

What solo mothers should be told instead

Rappler (ANA P. SANTOS) : 

Looming deadlines have taught me to tune out the background music and chatter of the radio in the various coffee shops that I call my office for the day. But on this particular day, the letter from a listener that the DJ read caught my attention.

“My husband left me and our children for his mistress. He seems to be happy now with her. How can I move on from this? I just want him to support our children and help out with expenses without the usual excuses and delays.”

The DJ very kindly offered some advice about moving on and some platitudes about how child support is a matter of conscience and how sadly, some men don't have a conscience.

Then she gently reassured the listener that single mothers are blessed because God knows they are alone.

Child support is a responsibility

First of all, child support is not a matter of conscience. It is a responsibility and, yes, quite an expensive one. Education, healthcare, dental needs and other everyday costs like baon, supplies and school bus add up to a pretty nifty sum. Now, multiply that by the number of children you have.

Child support is an imperative. It is the symbolic umbilical cord that is not severed until the child can earn his own living. Sometimes in the Philippine setting, not even then.

Telling the woman that child support is dependent on someone's conscience was implicitly telling her that there was nothing she could do about her situation. In truth, a woman who finds herself in this position has options such as those provided for by the law: The Family Code and Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Law (VAWC).

my opinion:

I totally agree on her with this part that support of the child is a responsibility we have laws yes but do you have any idea how the justice system work? It work slower than a turtle walk and because of this many victims of VAWC in the process of seeking justice give up of the fight. Going to court is stressful, mental and emotional you'll get tired.

This is my story if this happen to me I am sure it is happening and happened to many woman and children out there that are just keeping their silence.

2 years ago I have file a VAWC case in Paranaque. My face was swollen and I could barely walk because of my injure foot. The father of my child whom I sue is a businessman who owns 6 companies in Paranaque the rest you get the picture when you have money.

They hide my daughter to me despite of having police go pick her up and DSWD for 14 days until I decided to put things in my own hand. Called press, go to the barangay office in Tambo and finally go to the condo to rescue my lil girl whom he have threaten to kill if I plan to escape and don't do everything as he said.

Imagine that from swollen face and injured foot to heal physically but tormented by the trauma cause of the abuse and nothing is happening in court.

Our justice system is too slow that make the victims more suffer and if you are fighting with a person who have money it gets slower.

There are laws written and approved yes but until the Supreme Court decided to mandate to have sensitive cases like VAWC be resolve in less than a year then all victims will never feel the justice and laws that should have protected them.

Rappler (ANA P. SANTOS) : 

The Family Code

Under the Family Code, as long as the father is gainfully employed, a child (who is in the custody of the mother) is entitled to receive child support.

According to lawyer Beverly Ann Noriega, whom I interviewed for an article about how to negotiate child support without looking needy or greedy, Title VIII, Article 194 of the Family Code stipulates that a biological child is automatically entitled to child support. “The law does not distinguish between legitimate or illegitimate children,” said Noriega. Child support is not contingent on the legal union of the parents and covers “all things that are indispensible” such as food, clothing, education, medical needs, among others.

There is no specific set amount for child support. It depends on the child’s needs and the giver’s earning capacity. The amount of child support is also not fixed; it may diminish over time as the child’s needs are also reduced, like in the case of tuition.

You will have to make a written request to the father for child support and you must show proof that this request was received. The request for child support can be made even while legal proceedings to dissolve your union are under way. That only seems practical considering the time it takes to get an annulment.

MY OPINION:

Totally true but do you know also that they abuser also can find ways not to declare their real earnings just to escape to properly support their children? And whats worse if everyone around him in the company he works or owns will help him to do so. Now what will happen to the poor child?

Greed is an evil thing.

Rappler (ANA P. SANTOS) : 

R.A. 9262: Anti-VAWC

Under R.A. 9262 Section G, Point 8, you may file for a protection order directing the father to provide child support. Under what is known as salary garnishing, the protection order may stipulate a percentage of the income or salary be withheld by the employer and automatically remitted to the woman.

Both the respondent (the one who is supposed to give child support) and the employer may be charged with contempt of court if they fail to comply or if they delay remittance.

Do take note that if he moves to another company; you will have to make this arrangement again with his new employer.

MY OPINION:

True but you know what is painful when your lawyers instead of putting you welfare first they put their earning first on the settlements. And victims will just settle because they start losing hope of getting proper justice because of some lawyers love money more than their fighting for their client and how slow the system is.

THIS IS THE PAINFUL TRUTH OF VAWC VICTIMS SPECIALLY THE ONES WHO DOESNT HAVE MEDIA TO HELP THEM GET JUSTICE FAST.

Caught between right and wrong

We all grow up and mold with values by our parents and in school but how far will you go to protect someone and forget about your values and morals?

1. Your friend for a long time was threaten and harm by your brother. You witness the brutal treatment of your brother to your friend. How he pointed and click the gun into his head the only good thing he didn't die because your brother took the magazine of the gun. Your friend was able to escape from your brothers hands and reported it to the police. You know that he is not in his right mind when he did that to your friend and you know your brother needs help. Now your friend file a case against your brother and did not include you in the case to protect you because whatever it is you are still an accessory to the crime.

Question:

Are you going to hide your brother and protect him so he wont pay the brutality and his wrong doing even though you know he has to pay for his action?

or

Are you going to do what is right and give him the right help he needs and when the time comes give him to the authorities?

In this scenario our values and moral is being tested. What will you do if that is you?

2. You are financially dependent to your family one day you discover that one member of your family is using drugs and is now hurting and threatening so many people. You know the facts of the story and you know that the cause of her/his action it is because of paranoia that is being created by the effects of drugs. But because that member of the family is the one paying for everything you have kept your silence and let them be. One day you heard that a she/he is already literally hurting people and threatening to kill them.

Question:

Are you going to report him to the authorities and/or call the rehab center so she/he can get the right help needed?

or

Are you just going to watch and let him hurt them and do nothing? then afterwards help her/him clean his mess.

It is hard to bite the hands that feeds you right?

Two stories two possibilities that will test a persons moral values. A very hard situation both to the victim and to the person who witness the incidents because it will make them choose between to do what is right and wrong.

Life with Drugs

Almost 2 years ago I was captive in a very bad episode of my life. until today I am still facing and trying to cope with the trauma that it has cause me.

I was ask by the man I have loved why did I stay inspite and despite of the bad treatment. I had more heartaches than happiness. I get the same question with some of my friends and family who is very much aware of our situation.

I only have one answer that is because I deeply and truly love him with whole my heart. I know in my heart he is a good man a great man in fact just lost because of the pain in life that pushes him to go into drugs.

Probably you know about the topic drugs or addiction but it is different if you try to understand more deeply.

Cocaine and crystal meths two very addictive drugs that when use it at the sometime you will surely be very paranoid.

Everyone know what is the side effects when taking this kind of drugs but you will not always see in any writings what side effects you will see when the drugs is starting to wear off.

People on drugs do not care about anyone even if they try to fight the drugs and give in to their heart when they are just so hock they cant.

When the drugs is starting to wear off and they need to get some to get the high back they become so moody and easily irritated.

The depression will become worse and worse. They will start to think negative things towards the people around them. Everyday new negative things will come into their mind until it will consume them that they can no longer control their mind. When that day will come only two possible things can happen they will harm somebody or harm themselves.

I used to think that submitting to everything to a person who's a victim of drugs and trying to get into their heads to be able to touch them and convince them to get off the drugs will help I was wrong.

I am going to tell you this because its the truth and I don't want you to make the same mistake I did because it almost cost me my life.

Users of any kind of drugs or any type of addiction for a fact are good liars. They are pathological liars not just the simple lying. Most specially if the person is very smart so be very careful.

They will admit they need help and admit they are taking drugs and it is destroying them by words they will say it but they will never admit to themselves they need help.

They will convince you for a home rehab and to make it very believable they will buy the supplements needed. Throw away all paraphernalia that YOU are ONLY aware and even try to live a normal life.

Do not buy into that kind of excuse because the truth of the matter is they are still taking behind your back they always find ways. And when you start pushing the rehab solution they will find ways to put the blame on you in why they are taking drugs.

Victims of this kind of addiction they blame other people of their self destruction. They will make so many excuses just to put the blame on the people right infront of them.

People on drugs are victims they are not bad people. The one that is evil is the ones that is selling them drugs and the ones that is not doing anything to help the victims get cure.

Pushers do not care bout the victims the only thing they care about is the money they get out of selling the drugs.

But that is not actually worse the worse is when a person in your family knows that there is a victim in the family and do not do something about to help the victim.

It is painful to put the one we love to rehab it is painful to know that the whole process of rehabilitation is not going to be an easy road.

But what is more painful to see the one you love either father,mother,son,daughter,husband,wife or cousin getting all the help they need to get well or seeing them in prison because they killed someone or dead because of overdose or dead because they killed themself?



Behind the life of a Bully

This is a story of a man I know when I was in 1st year high school. He was a good looking young fellow, very intelligent but naughty. He gets into trouble with almost everyone from students to teachers. Everyone in school either scared of him hated him the teachers couldn't fail him in class because he will always have the highest score in all exams.

One morning I was walking inside our school trying to get into my classroom when I hear girls shouting a name and start falling in tears. "Nathan how dare you!!!you evil man!" she said and sit down holding her face and crying with so much shame because he pull her skirt up to everyone to see.

He was running laughing and so amuse of what he did and try to look for another victim. This goes on and on and no one seems to be able to stop him not even his brother.

After a year we became classmates and I was on his target list he just couldn't get a timing on me for either I am with my elder cousins or with senior friends. When one day during our cleaning schedule out of nowhere he pull my skirt up. I was smart enough to wear shorts underneath my school skirt. 

"Nathan so now are you amuse? do you really think you can bully everyone in this school? why don't you come closer and I will show you how to deal with a person like you who hungers for so much attention." I shouted.

"Really?! you really think you can do something about it, huh." as he walks towards me pushing the chairs our of his way.

Note that this guy is a black belt in taekwando that I am going up against.

I was in so much rage and no one have ever seen me this upset as our classmates trying to stop me in getting into a fight with a boy. At the back of my mind this has to stop someone needs to teach him a lesson.

Oh, yeah I hurt him pretty good I kick his weiner and then punch him in the face. I told him never ever to disrespect any girl ever again. Surprisingly he did not pull anyone's skirts after that. Yes, you will say good for him. But I was curious how he can act like that what is his problem. Many say he is a bully that is why or he wants attention or many more negative things but what is it really?

So, one day I try to befriend him.

After awhile on my persistence in getting his trust he finally open up and there I was able to understand him why he act the way he do.

Our school don't have psychologist or psychiatrist that kind of behaviour many ignore it and think its normal. That is how it is when you live in the rural area of the Philippines.

I found out his father used to hurt his mother, he was a drug addict and a womaniser. To protect his younger brother from the truth he is acting all tough. He was so young when he witness many brutalities and defended his mother from the hands of his father. He had no one to talk to and can trust. He was scared that people will judge him or his mother.

It become a cycle his father was a bully then now he becomes a bully because that is how he thinks he can protect his family and himself. The fear of getting hurt, the anger and many question on why he treated them like this.

He hated the world, he hated god and he hated his father. He was poison by his hatred in his heart.

Sometime bully people needs help and us to see beyond the shield they are putting on. Yes, their bad actions need to be punish but they need more help psychological and emotional.

To put an end into a bully finding out the root of their behaviour and helping them deal with that can cut the cycle and save their life.

The life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I am not well verse about PTSD but what I do know and understand is base on my own experience and understand as I face it everyday.

2 years ago I was diagnose with severe depression and PTSD by my neurologist and same with my forensic psychiatrist. And everyday I am struggling to fight the terrors of the past and live a normal life.

Let us discuss how it happen and hopefully woman with the same experience I had my blog could be able to help you.

I was in a very abusive relationship before emotional, psychological, sexual and then escalated to physical. The first time my life was threaten by the man I have give my whole heart I felt so scared. Fear that was beyond my belief I could ever feel. He took away my sense of security I was scared not just for myself but also for the people around us and our lil girl. I will not go for now into very single detail of my life then for I am not ready yet to talk about it but I will one day with a book.

The things I suffer 

1. Flashback - whether i am awake or asleep out of nowhere flashbacks that are so vivid. I will just close my eyes and pray. It will take me few minutes before I will come into my senses that I am safe that I have my lil girl with me and she is safe.

2. Anxiety - Everytime I will hear door close hard, clicking sound from a gun, gun shots, male voice shouting, or watching a movie with a guy hurting a child or a woman. I will have this weird feeling in my stomach. I want to vomit, my feet and hands are so cold and I will be shaking. I will start locking the door letting my dogs free inside the house and have my phone beside me. I would sometime call a friend or whoever to have a conversation to divert my mind from being scared.

3. Alienate - I alienate myself shame for what happen to us, ashamed for letting him abuse us. And I was having such a hard time trusting anyone.

4. Panic Attack - wow I was rush into the ER twice because of this the ring of the phone that I didn't expect a call made my hear raise and I couldn't breath I felt like having a heart attack. My little girl was beside me telling me mommy we are safe mommy I am here. She was trying to calm me down while my cousin rushing me to the ER.

I have been on medication for anxiety and medication to make me sleep at night. Everytime I know the court hearing is near I will be restless, moody and scared. I am always scared every time I go to court seeing him and what he is going to do. I call my psychiatrist and cry my lungs out with fear.

I have come to a point in my life to do research if there is such method or medication that can wipe out memories we don't want. For I don't want to face it anymore I don't want to be dealing with it anyone. I hate the flashback and I hated who I become after that traumatic incident.

I used to be happy, I used to be free from fear and I was never moody. My patience was so high and I don't shout. But after what happen I become this person who is so scared in trusting anyone, I become so moody, easily irritated and the weight of negative emotions in my chest is too much.

Have I ever had thoughts of killing myself or harming myself or anyone. I did and it even come to the point that I have refuse to eat, go out side or even talk to anyone. I was just crying and crying. Do I still have this now. No, I don't have thoughts of killing myself but I do have thoughts of punching the face of my ex for what he did.

How did I move on?

Many of you might not believe many of you might but for me my biggest help was and is the bible. I play worship songs to calm myself down when I am having anxiety attacks and read the bible. I pray and pray and somehow I find peace.

On May 2, 2012 I was honestly sure I was going to die that day. I have surrender myself to our Lord and pray. I prayed for my lil girls safety that God protect her from any harm and from letting her see and experience any psychical abuse and pain. I prayed that if given a chance to survive I will be the voice of whom can't speak, obey his words and serve the ones in need.

The greatest liberation is to forgive whole hearted the ones have done us wrong and forgive ourselves too for our mistakes. Yes, we will still suffer the trauma no one knows when will it go away but baby steps there is a better life outside the terrors.  It is not an easy road many people will not understand you. Keeping yourself focus with your new life it not going to be easy but have faith and believe that one day all this nightmares will go away.

God bless everyone