I am not well verse about PTSD but what I do know and understand is base on my own experience and understand as I face it everyday.
2 years ago I was diagnose with severe depression and PTSD by my neurologist and same with my forensic psychiatrist. And everyday I am struggling to fight the terrors of the past and live a normal life.
Let us discuss how it happen and hopefully woman with the same experience I had my blog could be able to help you.
I was in a very abusive relationship before emotional, psychological, sexual and then escalated to physical. The first time my life was threaten by the man I have give my whole heart I felt so scared. Fear that was beyond my belief I could ever feel. He took away my sense of security I was scared not just for myself but also for the people around us and our lil girl. I will not go for now into very single detail of my life then for I am not ready yet to talk about it but I will one day with a book.
The things I suffer
1. Flashback - whether i am awake or asleep out of nowhere flashbacks that are so vivid. I will just close my eyes and pray. It will take me few minutes before I will come into my senses that I am safe that I have my lil girl with me and she is safe.
2. Anxiety - Everytime I will hear door close hard, clicking sound from a gun, gun shots, male voice shouting, or watching a movie with a guy hurting a child or a woman. I will have this weird feeling in my stomach. I want to vomit, my feet and hands are so cold and I will be shaking. I will start locking the door letting my dogs free inside the house and have my phone beside me. I would sometime call a friend or whoever to have a conversation to divert my mind from being scared.
3. Alienate - I alienate myself shame for what happen to us, ashamed for letting him abuse us. And I was having such a hard time trusting anyone.
4. Panic Attack - wow I was rush into the ER twice because of this the ring of the phone that I didn't expect a call made my hear raise and I couldn't breath I felt like having a heart attack. My little girl was beside me telling me mommy we are safe mommy I am here. She was trying to calm me down while my cousin rushing me to the ER.
I have been on medication for anxiety and medication to make me sleep at night. Everytime I know the court hearing is near I will be restless, moody and scared. I am always scared every time I go to court seeing him and what he is going to do. I call my psychiatrist and cry my lungs out with fear.
I have come to a point in my life to do research if there is such method or medication that can wipe out memories we don't want. For I don't want to face it anymore I don't want to be dealing with it anyone. I hate the flashback and I hated who I become after that traumatic incident.
I used to be happy, I used to be free from fear and I was never moody. My patience was so high and I don't shout. But after what happen I become this person who is so scared in trusting anyone, I become so moody, easily irritated and the weight of negative emotions in my chest is too much.
Have I ever had thoughts of killing myself or harming myself or anyone. I did and it even come to the point that I have refuse to eat, go out side or even talk to anyone. I was just crying and crying. Do I still have this now. No, I don't have thoughts of killing myself but I do have thoughts of punching the face of my ex for what he did.
How did I move on?
Many of you might not believe many of you might but for me my biggest help was and is the bible. I play worship songs to calm myself down when I am having anxiety attacks and read the bible. I pray and pray and somehow I find peace.
On May 2, 2012 I was honestly sure I was going to die that day. I have surrender myself to our Lord and pray. I prayed for my lil girls safety that God protect her from any harm and from letting her see and experience any psychical abuse and pain. I prayed that if given a chance to survive I will be the voice of whom can't speak, obey his words and serve the ones in need.
The greatest liberation is to forgive whole hearted the ones have done us wrong and forgive ourselves too for our mistakes. Yes, we will still suffer the trauma no one knows when will it go away but baby steps there is a better life outside the terrors. It is not an easy road many people will not understand you. Keeping yourself focus with your new life it not going to be easy but have faith and believe that one day all this nightmares will go away.
God bless everyone
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